I have two stepsons of whom after five years of litigation were granted full-time custody to his father and I two years ago.Their mother most certainly exhibits the characteristics of someone suffering from a severe case of Narcissist Personality Disorder.
My younger stepson is the Golden Child and was his mother’s favorite (SS13). I love him dearly, but our relationship is the most complex and foreign to me. His brother is one year older and was the Scapegoat/Lost Child – we are very close. When he first came to live with us, he despised his mother whereas SS13 missed her dearly (but would not admit as such). To SS14, I am more of “mom” and to SS13, I am the target as the stepmother for mom not being present.
Before therapy was an applicable option based on Court proceedings (which is a travesty to the system but it is what it is), SS14 talked to me about his condition concerning Multiple Personality Disorder. I wanted to talk to him more about it, but he didn’t want to go there. Well, I told him I would pay him to talk to me – he was very motivated by that. Don’t gawk – I didn’t know what else to do but was running out of time!
The Scapegoat/Lost Child – Male
Essentially what SS14’s mind had done (as explained to me by him directly) was created a separate personality for every version of his mother’s moods to defensively protect his mind from her – he was not aware this is why his MPD developed per say but when I mentioned if it was possible, he said that was it after reflection (we practice mediation and reflection here). However, he had been creating separate versions of himself in his mind since he could remember and thought this was how everyone operated. This leads to him creating differentiating segments of himself in his mind to combat any life event. More specifically, when he got a mild case of acne, a personality named Zits was established. This was not schizophrenia as no physical differences were observed, but when he was tired some symptoms would come out of which he would joke about it.
As I tend to be someone who has a hard time letting things be or waiting on a fickle judicial system, I told SS14 I would pay him to merge his personalities since the talking had gone so well. Now, SS13, Golden Child, would take the money and run, but SS14 is different. Of course, he asked how much. We settled on an amount and he began merging – there were thousands. The issue that I had with it was the way he was categorizing events in his mind was making him the most forgetful person I had ever met in my life, but this kid is literally a genius with math and anything that motivates him, but had a tendency to be lazy but a lot of this I suspected was from the way he was processing information.
By the end of the merge, it came down to three personalities : 1) himself (an ego state that managed all of the personalities as he referred to it – like an operator almost) 2) the shadow and 3) ho-bitch. He was having trouble merging these three, but was able to merge ho-bitch into the shadow (these are his words of how he described it exactly). This is why I became a Carl Jung fan as I am googling this and it was remarkable how SS14 referred to it as the Shadow distinctly without any prompts.
SS14 was stuck on those two for a while, but then he had a dream.
In the dream he was at school and it was his birthday. He was excited about the day, but his heart sank when he saw his mother walk in the door. He remembers being placed in a chair with chains so he could not move. He said he tried to wake himself up, but could no do so and closed his eyes waiting for the beating and mental put downs and prepared to “blank out”, but had difficulty as he was already dreaming. He recalls squinting his eyes his mother asked him calmly, “Do you love me?”
He instantly woke up and was so upset he did not go to school.
When he told me about the dream, I asked him what he thought it meant to which he replied: “To merge my shadow, I have to decide if I love my mother.”
I asked him, “Do you choose to?”
And he said: “Yes”.
While their relationship is still rocky, the last time they were together, it went well and he was happy. They are not close.
He refers to merging the personalities as zapping or “kirbing” them (taken from the video game). He is not without scars and he says his brain automatically reverts to segment, but he is unlearning the habit. We discuss it once weekly.
The Golden Child – Male
This one has been more complex as it is an offensive strategy based on fear and negative attachments to love. As I am the ultimate truth seeker, the emotions related to this condition are the most turbulent for me.
For him, admitting that he desperately wanted his mother to love him was the first breakthrough we had two and a half weeks ago. He fears rejection by her, but fears her in general. Getting him to talk is incredibly difficult – he holds it all in.
However, I decided that it was the first start because rejection is a part of life. His birthday was just recent and he wanted to see his mother. I told him to call her and ask if she would come to lunch with him.
He didn’t want to as he admitted if she said no he would feel defeated – and I asked him, “What are you now?”
He got pissed off and we didn’t talk for two days – he never told me that he did call her – and she did come to lunch (thank you God).
I have been working on him practicing acceptance and recognizing what was and was not normal. He was told he was not allowed to show fear, but he is quite fearful of a lot in his own way – he has reoccurring dreams of a ghost with a wine glass (what his mother drank religiously) that cracks and splinters glass in his face. He also informed that he was going to get married in the Philippines where divorce was not legal and return to the United States and leave his wife there so she could not leave him. I pointed out that he would be leaving her before she had the chance. This resulted in a three day silent treatment, but he has since admitted that she would be permitted entry into the United States.
The key with him is getting him to talk – he will do anything to avoid it, but he is also, motivated by cold hard cash 😉
Both boys are in therapy now, but it was interesting that the differences manifested in one admitting whether or not they loved their mother and the other recognizing the desire of wanting to be loved by her. By far, SS13’s behaviors are the most difficult to deal with on an everyday basis as my heart breaks everyday. We are currently recalibrating our relationship.
However, they both have forgiven her and she has never asked and denies any wrong-doing. It is how it most likely will always be which I have told them to brace for.
Both have a long way to go, but this was the first noticeable steps I have seen for both of them to start making recovery and healing. They are beautiful kids.
In irony, I had to learn how to forgive her too and I do. I hope she can see choose differently and change, but that has been my biggest victory as this woman has plagued me on every avenue humanly possible for eight years in ways not worth mentioning, but if I could not do it, how could they as what I suffered was nothing in comparison to a child having to undergo the horrors. Even without her physical presence, she haunts my house, but I working on converting the energy and it is making a difference.
Maybe this information will help understand those who google and read as religiously I do.