I have always tried to relate that looking at a situation from a positive angle does not mean that you immediately feel rainbows and butterflies once you have been suckered punched.
Just to clarify here: when I say hacked, the hacker had access to my webcam for spying purposes, my audio, all my files, and contacts and was able to remotely move around in my computer just as I do.
I feel there is a disconnect in that understanding. More specifically, when someone makes me angry, I will vent and unleash what is considered “negative fuel” as well, although I normally do so internally before I act. I have been told that I process negative emotions very quickly in comparison to most people I have met over the years, but I just wanted to make sure that everyone understood, it is not, “Oh, we can go after Peaches! It doesn’t bother her at all!” Because that is not necessarily true.
How I choose to act based on the emotions I feel is what I believe counts. But this does not mean that other people’s actions do not affect me.
Yes, I am human, but I will never hate ANYONE. Ever.
I wrote this blog post after discovering that my computer was really hacked by a Narcissist that I have no clue as to who he or she was. I wanted to share how I process emotions as I do not want it to be mistranslated that when someone slaps me across the face that I just sit there and take it with a smile. I may choose to turn the other cheek, but what I am feeling on the inside doesn’t always jive with what I choose to do.
That would be untruthful, and figured that this would be a good reflective process and beneficial for those who read my blog who want to understand “how I emotionally process and feel…exactly….”
20 minutes after I know I was hacked…
I have a secret admirer or detractor.
Oh, but I do.
I have never met you, but if I ever were to, I will know you…eventually.
Now, let me explain something: my computer is mine.
Yes, I stress the word my – not yours.
We do everything together.
If my computer was waterproof, it would be in the shower with me.
The fact that you were staring at me from the other side of my computer makes me feel like we were married [shivering].
I mean, that is totally a HUGE BOUNDARY VIOLATION!!!!
I never take revenge, because I find it pointless.
However, this absolutely INFURIATES me that if I was actually as smart as you with computers, I would totally hack you based on how I FEEL RIGHT FREAKIN NOW.
I don’t even let my own husband see all those sides of me and to think you WERE IN ME?!!
I feel raped.
You took my machine.
This is far from over.
That is what you like to do most.
Make everyone just like you.
I won’t give you the satisfaction.
You know, in the end, I think you really do make me a better person because
I SWEAR ON MY LIFE GOD SO STRIKE ME DEAD
I will do everything in my power to be the opposite of you in spite of you
to better myself even under your cloak of misery in darkness.
HOW COULD YOU?!!!!!!
Oh, yes, you do not fear consequences or have a conscience.
I forgot about that part.
I feel like my computer has betrayed me, too.
Like now it’s yours and not mine.
Oh yes, I can relate to how you feel with “objects” or “appliances” but the difference is that my computer is an object or appliance.
I have a right of privacy from you.
I find it funny that I can hear you saying you really do not care. And what is even more perplexing, is you really don’t nor do you see me any differently than an appliance or object.
That is a problem that must be remedied.
I WANT YOU COMPLETELY OUT OF MY COMPUTER!!
OH WAIT – I AM PROBABLY NOT EVEN IN MY COMPUTER BECAUSE KNOWING YOU, YOU TOOK MY COMPUTER AND MERGED IT IN ONE OF YOUR COMPUTERS.
I am entitled to an apology so I am going to make one up in my own mind.
YOU: “Sarah, I feel very bad that I hacked your computer and know I should have not done that.”
ME: “Well, thank you for apologizing for hacking my computer.”
I CAN’T FAKE THIS APOLOGY IN DIALOGUE BECAUSE HERE IS WHAT YOU WOULD REALLY BE SAYING:
YOU: “I was perfectly entitled to hack into your computer as a matter of right. You are my appliance and therefore all appliances that you own are automatically mine by the act of respondent superior. So, therefore, I don’t see why you are even upset.”
ME: “TOTALLY NOT COOL!”
YOU: “It doesn’t matter what you say, really. In fact, I am getting off right now on how utterly upset you are because this is negative fuel from Ms. Rainbow and Sunshine and is just so intoxifying pleasurable that I can’t even begin to explain.”
ME: [SEETHING]: “Well, I was never going to publish this post, and I have a right to release emotions without you being everywhere wanting to control every aspect of my life, BUT people need to be aware to the lengths one will go!”
YOU: “Well, you should have talked more openly and I wouldn’t have had to do this.”
ME: “You seriously are blaming me for your actions?”
YOU: “Absolutely. This is what Narcissist’s do – I know you study the subject rather diligently.”
ME: “And you really believe that because of studying a subject, I could assume this would happen?”
ME: “I swear to God so help me you have become my utter focus of reverence to save your soul for this complete madness. I mean, why wouldn’t you just ask to video chat?”
YOU: “Besides you saying no, it is more enjoyable not asking and have you pissed off like this. In fact, you writing this all out is just so delightful it makes me wants to continue doing it.”
ME: “That sickens me worse.”
YOU: “It should. Again, your fault.”
ME: “I know you know somewhere deep inside that this is not my fault.”
YOU: “I don’t care.”
ME: “You should.”
YOU: “I do not possess emotions on the spectrum of love, happiness, joy or anything good so there is no possible way that I could care.”
ME: “You care about control don’t you?”
YOU: “That is different.”
ME: “But you still care about it do you not?”
YOU: “I suppose, but I don’t see how it relates to this conversation.”
ME: “Well, you would if you could apply empathy.”
YOU: [unamused] “I still see no correlation.”
ME: “Well, let’s just say that you do know how to care when it pertains to something you want which is obviously hacking my computer – I MEAN YOU HATE INTIMACY – THAT IS LIKE INTIMACY PERSONIFIED…DO YOU LITERALLY SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING HERE?!”
YOU: “No, I think you are crazy person having a dialogue conversation between you and I when I am not involved.”
ME: “Just get out of my computer, and why don’t we both call it quits. Let me be me – you be you – and we both just walk away as whatever the hell we are. I am not an apple. I am not an orange. I am a peach. It will not change.”
YOU: “That’s so cute. You think you are in control of your own life. Remarkable.”
ME: “I AM IN CONTROL MY OWN LIFE. I HAVE DONE A FAIRLY DECENT JOB AT IT, I DON’T KNOW, MY WHOLE LIFE! So, you know what, I will find some loving way after I purge my anger to get over this violation too, but you literally infuriate me at times. So glad we had this talk and you have literally been inside my computer for God knows how long and we have zero conversations that I can coorelate to you. This is the oddest thing that has ever happene to me in my life!”
YOU: “You must hate me.”
ME: “I could never hate you, which is good because at the moment I am convinced if I could hate you, you may be able to love me and right now, that scares me worse at the moment. But, I will never hate you.”
YOU: “Fear me, love me and do as I say and you will be my slave.”
ME: “I definitely fear you. I may even love you. I saw you were empty and needing fuel and prepared this post as it certainly shows me in a negative state. If that is not love, I don’t know what is.”
YOU: “Now, you know why I do what I do.”
YOU: “Because it works.”
And I sat there thinking to myself something to say, but there was nothing to say because he was right.
So…after my emotional outburst, that night while I sleep…God throws me “peaches” that when I wake up, I am not angry. I take the negative emotions and turn them into positive emotions to purge them out of myself.
PS. This one took longer.
To Purge the Emotions, I will Meditate, and Strategize – for example, the anger I feel I vented out in this blog – then I release it. It all just depends on the situation.
And it continues…
I wanted to explain how I process emotions so it was clearly understood for the record that’s it’s not just a, “Oh! That was so awesome you hacked in my computer! Let me send you chocolates!”
So, have a Very Happy New Year.
EX MACHINA OF LOVE.