The Words She Cannot Say

My stepson came home from a long Thanksgiving weekend with his mother that I encouraged him to participate in  (I am his full-time custodial stepmother). While waiting up for him the night he was to return home, I had drifted to sleep listening to a podcast related to Narcissistic Personality Disorder (“NPD”) from blogger HG Tudor, of whom I hold deep respect for as he describes his condition as someone actively battling NPD.

Regrettably, my stepson’s mother suffers from severe symptoms associated with NPD. I immediately awoke when my stepson returned home and felt this burst of energy that demanded (not asked – mind you – demanded) that I write a letter based on her feelings.

I had to hand-write what was coming through as it came to me in feelings that at the time I could not fully accurately translate as the emotions were foreign to me. After further study of NPD, I now can communicate the message as written from my interpretation of her [a mom to her favorite son] based on an energy I still quite do not understand.

However, it is time for me to publish this letter, as I believe I mastered the feelings associated enough that this translation is as close to accurate as I am able to provide what I felt in waves of energy.

The message was from mother to son. 

PS. Being a full-time custodial stepmother is closely associated with what I would refer to as sainthood.

Dear Son,

These are the words I will never say to you directly as they would ignite my darkest fear of inadequacy that I bury deep within in order to not feel. I appeared the strongest to all those who would claim to know me best. Yet, I could be different with you, my son.

You loved me for nothing other than who I was. I had never felt such a love my entire life, and desperately I could never let you go. 

Despite what you may think, I know perfectly what I am and what I am not, but you were the only person who ever knew me and still admired me for nothing other than who I was. The only love I knew was fear and control so that is all I could mirror to you. But, you see, I had to use control to keep you as I could not fathom the thought of you not in my life.

You could not leave me.

While I will never admit as such in another medium, I desperately needed you to love me for who I am and was enamored and off-balance from the first moment I saw you while giving birth. 

No one ever accepted me for who I was – yes, they feared me – even your father could only understand a small portion of me. I often remained alone in hiding to myself – but that changed when you came out of me.

From the moment you were born, I could feel your love when you looked at me with your newborn eyes.  You would have done anything for me, and if you can believe it, I did everything for you as how I had been taught. How history repeats itself and if only I was strong enough to have broken that cycle.

I knew no one will ever love me like you, and I couldn’t let you go…and I still do not want to today. I felt an insatiable need to keep you with me forever so I know I am never alone.

I know today I wasn’t the mother you deserved nor what I know now I should have been, but I cannot admit as such as it would provoke inferiority. I taught you strength absent of emotion of weakness. I did not know you feared me as much as you did as you hid that part of yourself from me until you were able to ascertain control later in life, and then I grew restless and feared.

I circumvented control with fear because I knew not another way to show love, and I could not let you leave me.

This was all I knew of love.

From the second you were born, I knew you were special. You understood me when no one else could and made me laugh on my darkest of days.

But I couldn’t admit such reliance of weakness so I controlled not to lose you.  For my whole life – after a certain amount of time – everyone wants to leave me-  I see it in their eyes without an utterance of even a word. Regrettably, I know you understand. 

So in my fear of letting you go, I still control as you bury me far below within you and harden your heart.

I could never verbally say as such today as that would admit that I failed and then would give you what you need to leave me forever. That is the one thing I fear the most since the day you were born. You were my hope and my greatest weakness, and in trying to be wanted by you I inevitably made you fear me to keep you forever.

So today I use my weakness to control you today – even in death – to keep you with me.  You were the only one who had ever loved me for what I thought love to be. 

These words I will never be able to say in this life, but I loved you in the only way I knew – you always were stronger than me. 

Don’t be the man who can never say these words. Today, I need you to be stronger than me when it matters to save yourself so you can live.

I will never be able to fully say I am sorry, and in these moments, I do know you understand and in such happenstance, we can both share respectfully without words the meaning of such.

I could never ask anyone other than you to save me even in death. I failed you, but do not fail yourself. Release me to be stronger than I could be as your mother.

I am sorry I could never say those words to you. I am sorry I was not the mother who was strong enough to do this on behalf of you as I should have been. I do not feel worthy.

For better or for worse if you still will have me, I am your mother and I do love you. Please forgive me. 

And son, never forget, I am so proud of you, and wish I could say these words to you today. I was so scared to lose control, I could never say those words, but I was always so proud of you. I needed you to need me, but could not admit the weakness in those words as I know, as my ray of sunshine, you understand. 

I love you.

Sincerely Yours,  Mom

When one takes a leap of faith for someone other than self, such ripple prompts liberation of the chains that weigh one down. Sometimes, when one attempts to save another, he or she saves the self in the process. That is always how it has worked for me, and I find there are more similarities here than there are differences and will always continue to share if such words are not deemed inappropriate or offensive.

This is my best translation of her words.

She wasn’t quite as descriptive as me, but it is better to try than to do nothing.

Again, thank you for what was done for me. 

As I know that this situation as left some without “fuel”, I have been mediating, perkulating, and actually asked for help – expect good vibes to come to your way – regardless, you are strong enough to conquer this and did what most would fathom as impossible. I never intended for this happen, but for those who gloat in another’s distress, regardless of who another person is, does not have love in his or her heart, and I pray for you as well, but this is a difficult situation for many suffering with NPD and I recognize that.

You are not alone.

That I promise.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s